Mr Hairy Balls.

My leg hairs are so long right now. I can see them glistening in the candle light as I write this. Yes, candle light. Alone. Alone. The word even looks sad on this page. Back to the leg hairs. Oh glistening little hairs. Tiny babies. A colony of little babies. I am thinking I might condition them.  I am quite proud of them. So grown up. Happy little independent hairs. Now before you think I am gross, I should tell you I was in an accident on my holiday, because I am stupid and I think I am in “Wild Hogs” on my scooter. Therefore, I cannot bend down to shave the leg. The bendy-ness of your knee is actually quite important. I know this is obvious, but until you are actually unable to move the knee, you will never actually understand. They tell me it will take 6 weeks to heal. This means these bad ass hairs are going to get wild. Shit is getting hectic and Lundun SUMMA is coming in HOT. I will need a lawn mower by the end of this. This gets me thinking about when I will ACTUALLY be needing that lawn mower.  Will it be 6 weeks? 6 months? Summer is coming up, but I live in London after all. We have 2 days of summer a year so  I might just grow these baddies and enter the Guinness Book of World Records.  For now, at least I can shave my armpits. To be honest last week they were also out of control. I pulled myself out of my hair coma and shaved those guys off, I needed to pull myself toward myself just a tiny bit. Speaking of long hairs, I met two Instagram-perfect dolls on my trip. Let me tell you, these women were totally gorgeous. I mean fabulous model types. So chic, so tanned, oozing confidence and awesomeness. The one was snapping some photos of herself on the catamaran we were on (this sounds really glam but it wasn’t because the toilet was gross). She was casually reading her book on the side oars of the boat. Those floaty side bits (I don’t know the name of this floaty oar bit because I am a scooter lady not a boat lady, but I am sure you know what I mean when I talk about the floaty bits.). Anyway, she looked SOOOO cool, taking her photos on the floaty bits in her heart shaped sunglasses. I would have fallen off the side of the boat by now in a desperate plea to be cool (reminder: I fell off a scooter trying to be cool). Some sharks would have come to eat me too.

I am watching her glitter in the sunlight. Hang about, something else is glittering…her armpit hairs. Alot of it. In a split second I imagine her getting her armpit hairs braided by the local ladies (as I write this I realise I am a major freak).  Might I also say some fanny hairs were making an appearance too… sprouting out there like little tufts of grass. I am not going to lie, a part of me was shocked, and a bigger part of me was impressed.  If those cool girls ever read this blog, please know I greatly admired the both of you (they were both sprouting hairs everywhere). I think about the hairy, beautiful and intelligent women on the boat. I think about all the men out there who would have so much to say about the hairy armpits and especially hairy fanny! God forbid we have hairy fanny’s. I will be honest with you all; I had laser hair removal years ago. I have about 3 pubic hairs. This is a true story. It was the best money I ever spent because I had really bad ingrown hairs (not because I wanted a smooth fanny for a mans enjoyment- I would HIGHLY recommend this if you suffer from the ingrowns).

What about other women out there who are faced with this pubic hair pressure. “Oh I am going on a date” I hear women say. “I need to shave”. Why the fuck must we shave? Who told us that we must shave? Who started the phenomena of shaving/waxing our vaginas/armpit hairs? Why couldn’t we have embraced the hairy looks like in the 70’s pornos. Bush was acceptable. Bush was loved. I think about the pain, we, as women endure just by BEING women.  Periods! Childbirth! Waxing! Hells bells! So now, why the fuck must I deal with a dude with hairy balls when I feel pressured to be a smooth, gliding dolphin. Why can’t you as dudes also be smooth gliding dolphins?

I was once with a guy who asked me when I would shave my knees. My knees. Can I point out that the rest of my legs were totally smooth. The current hairs on my knees are so thin I am amazed he even saw them. They are blonde too.  I have this weird phobia of shaving my knees, I worry I will cut my knee open with the razor and very dramatically bleed to death. The shower would look like a Glenn Close situation in ‘Fatal Attraction’.What if I bleed to death in my shower and no one helps me? This is a real thing because once I fell out the shower and I thought I had half died on the floor. I called my mom for AGES “MOM I AM DYING ON THE FLOOR HELP ME!”. Eventually had to get up and help myself. I found said mom on the patio, drinking champagne in her costume at 3 pm on a Tuesday afternoon. “Where were you? I practically died in the bathroom; I’ve been calling for AGES”.

“I am on Facebook” was the response. Well that’s nice. Oh SO great to be alone. Anyway.

Back to Mr Hairy Balls and the knees. “Excuse me” I said to him, “the rest of my legs are smooth! Why must I shave my knees?” He pulled a face “because you just must”.  Sorry, I “just must”. What does that even mean? I will tell you he had the hairiest balls you ever did see. Heads up dudes (excuse the pun) some trimming would be great. Women don’t want NO hair, that is weird. Hairless balls are scarier than the actual balls themselves. Don’t want uncooked meatballs banging about. Get some scissors and a mirror and spend some time manscaping. We don’t need dental floss. This might be asking alot I am appealing to men who as a gender are mostly lazy, so this might be a monumental task for some, Namely, Mr hairy Balls who had so many comments about my one armpit hair and my precious knees. Just to let you know you have an extremely hairy back. It looked like my bathplug after a week of hairwashing. You know who you are too. I also want to tell you, Mr Hairy Balls that I am creaming my legs now. With Nivea. Purr Purr. And the hairs will just grow even longer and I will cherish them. I will enjoy my time of hairiness for now, who knows I might take it on full time and grow some coolness. You never know.


One Comment Add yours

  1. Tessa Walton says:

    God, what a great way to start my day! Laughing for days.


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