I don’t know about you, but I am 26 and I am stressed.
I wake up sweating at 3 am. I have questions. What happened to Teddy Geiger? What happened to Jo-Jo? A voice is saying “Ellen turn off your brain! You need to sleep or else you will wake up with dull skin and be a cave troll! The Glam Squad says so!”.
Ok, ok, hummm meditation. Wait, I have to get up again to wee because The Glam Squad tells me to drink so much water. Have another shlurrp right now! Quick! Quick! Day light breaks. I am wondering, if I had a perfume what would I call it? Potato Potato.
At 5 am my brain is singing “GET OUT! LEAVE! IT’S THE END OF YOU AND ME!” (Teenage anthem).
5:30 – 6:30 am: Potato potato ching cha potato! Beep beep! Why hasn’t my 10th bumble date asked me on a second date? I probably said the word banana too much (we were speaking about bananas).
6:30 am, I get up, look in the mirror. I look like Edward Scissorhands. Scary. Maybe I can put it into a ‘cool messy bun’. It doesn’t work. I look like a Tellitubbie now. Oh well. I sit on the loo and I open up my Instagram. The first post I see says “delicious, nutritious chia seed breakfast bowl, full of rainbow colours! SOOO perfect after a hot yoga session”. Fuck sakes.
My brain says “better get off the toilet Ellen and make that chia seed bowl so next time you can shit rainbows instead”. Hup hup off I better go. Jokes on me I don’t have chia seeds because they are too expensive.
Next post in the feed is an old school person looking off into the sunset on an exotic beach. I have questions. How many pictures did you take before you chose this one? Why are your eyes closed like that? You will fall down if you don’t watch where you’re going. Bear in mind I work in the adult entertainment industry (this is a legit thing about me FYI) so why are you pulling that pouty face? It looks risqué, not sure I can manage this before I actually have to GO into the office and face it for real. This is not real life.
So here I am, on my toilet, thinking, well SHITTERS (excuse the pun). How can we mere mortals keep up with the demands of being a ‘modern woman’? With all of these pressures from the Glam Squads on social media, I sometimes feel overwhelmed and the existential crisis sinks in. Am I doing enough? Am I behind? What is going to happen to me? People say “oh don’t compare yourself” but we do. It’s human nature. You would be lying if you said you didn’t wonder how Glam Sally from school drives a Range Rover and manages to live in her own home at 26 (with fiancé) while being a start up interior designer -Sally, FYI don’t get me wrong I am happy for you, but stop laughing into your Instagram salad at lunch time.
9 am. I get to work. My 6ft 5, gym crazy assistant is excited. He says “Ellen, don’t drink too much coffee today. Did you eat a good breakfast? I had a chia seed bowl”. Oh for frik sakes. I laugh manically into my fourth coffee cup and stuff a croissant in my mouth. I say “That’s great news! And don’t worry, this is my first cup!”. He seems chuffed. I leave it. After all, he is only 22.